Bad Days

I am lucky to have had all of the success that I have in my recovery, but the past three days have been bad ones.  I awoke this morning to the ACC financial crimes detective calling and telling me all the info he needs to follow through on my police report...Several weeks before surgery, an unwholesome person decided that he needed some items online (including a vacation) and charged them to my credit card...Not a very low stress experience when you have a disease that is triggered by and worsens with stress.

So needless to say I spent the next three hours of my day dealing with awful customer service and legalities about what they can't release to me, but wait...you allowed this person to purchase your product or service with a name that did not match the credit card and you are going to protect his rights.  Gotta love it.  Fortunately one of the companies, Webroot did actually end up being helpful after I had to leave a message for the legal department...and who ends up helping me, the sales department supervisor and one of his agents.  I was previously told twice by two different sales agents that they could not give me any information even though it was my card charged.  It makes me want to scream, but I just take a pain pill instead.  That at least takes away the pain from surgery.

I also wish I could really be on leave and not have anything to do with school.(Not including the emails saying hello and checking on me, but the ones involving work)  I think I really might stop checking my school email altogether, only problem is the mess it creates when it all gets backed up and I would miss the happy emails sating hello.  I could just delete everything as it comes in and only respond to emails to my home email address.

I have so little energy as it is, I am frustrated to use it on trivial things that only up my stress level.  I can't do everything I want to and if you know me, that is upsetting...if you don't, I have a real problem not being able to do everything under the sun and even more so asking people to do tings for me.

On top of exhaustion, the past three days have reminded me how much I hate this disease.  Joints that you don't even realize you use everyday are affected by AS.  Never ever take for granted your back and its ability to support your entire body.  Everything hurts so bad, I just want to lay still, but by the time I am comfortable, my body has started working against me and is getting stiff.

I know I will make it through, but I still have 12 days until I get to restart my AS meds.  Oh please let them go by fast.

From the top...

Finally I am back at work.  I like living by myself, but I need the people I work with and my students more than I could have ever imagined.  A new semester has helped distract me from the pain.  I got to see my first basketball game of the season tonight and forgot how much joy I get watching middle schoolers play their hearts out.  The season started in November.  If not for middle school basketball, I never would have gotten to know the sweet man that I might actually marry some day (heading into year 3 of engagement, and completely content).  I am very sentimental when it comes to basketball. I am looking forward to the rest of the season and a few more wins.

I am thankful for everything I CAN do and that the pain is actually not as bad as it was in November.  I am thankful for physical therapy and the muscles that are stronger now.  I will continue to be hopeful and try to be as positive as I can, and when I can't, there are always the meds that knock me out.

Holidays.

Snow made this Christmas the best yet, make that second best.  The year I got engaged is the best Christmas.  I spent a lot of my time off coming to terms with my disease. I have to live with it, so I try to stay as positive as possible.  I still can't believe I didn't go to work for six weeks.  I gave myself that time to heal, hoping that it would be the same as all the flares of years past.  I was wrong.  Now I have to move on and know that I can do as much as I can do, but not nearly as much as I used to.  I do in fact have to live with it for the rest of my life and it has already changed me, physically and emotionally.

Weekends...

I try everyday to be positive and care more about others than my disease, but everyone tells me to take care of myself.  I try to do both. How can I when I feel awful?  I want a clean house, I want the laundry hung up and clean, I want to be pain free. Weekends are a much needed time to rest and for me to recuperate but my personality doesn't function well just doing nothing.  It is such a constant cycle.  

Fortunately, Dr. Nik is concerned about my pain.  The shots are painful, but the relief is well worth it.  Next week I get to go back to Dr. Nik again and to Dr. Griffin.  I am hoping for Dr. Griffin's wisdom to guide my treatment.  As much as I hate the pills, I am truly open to more meds if it means a decrease in pain.

I am on year number seven of teaching and for 5 years I never took a day off, even with this chronic disease.  It is truly a progressive disease.  I hate being out.  Teachers understand that being out is more work than being sick and at work.  Unfortunately, as I  explain to my sweet kiddos, the doctors don't work after school.  It creates even more anxiety for me having to be at the doctor. I hold out hope that the pain will be gone sometime soon...